I find myself asking this question a lot. I am working on my mental health by seeing my psychiatrist monthly. I don’t think my dosage for my antidepressant is quite where it needs to be, but that can be adjusted in my next session. I thought I had found my passion for work, but the clients that I have currently make me second guess if this is the right career path. I miss my students at SPA and I miss the support that I received from supervisors and managers. We were a family at SPA and I felt appreciated.
I haven’t really made any friends out here and I find myself not knowing what to do when I have my days off. I’ll call my family, but they don’t really know what to say to me. I am not comfortable in my own skin to go out to single events, alumni events, or just out of my apartment. I am working out and eating right 80% of the time, but I’m having the hardest time finding love for myself wholeheartedly. For awhile, I used to look at myself in the mirror and say nice things to myself, but that feels fake. I find myself hating my life that I have chosen. I question why I moved away from my family and lifelong friends frequently. But then I think back to when I was living in San Diego, and I didn’t have a life.
I have always had a hard time making friends. Now, more than ever, I think it has 100% to do with my self worth. I don’t think I am worthy of a good life. I don’t think I am worthy of love. I don’t think I am worthy at all. I struggle with this and have for years. So that leads to the question, what do I want out of life?
I know I want to love myself with my whole heart. I want to be loved by someone who loves me for being me. I want a couple of friends that I can count on. I want to be financially stable. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want a life completely different that what I am living right now.
I know that how I live my life is ultimately up to me. I know that I have to work on it for myself to make it what I want it to be. I have the power to change how my life is going and it will take time and hard work. If I want to move forward and improve my life, I have to start at some point.
I have been devouring the book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown and I have been loving it. It talks about loving your self wholeheartedly by practicing courage, compassion, and connection. Brown is a shame researcher and has a great deal of knowledge and data about shame, but highlights letting go of perfectionism and this ideal of who you think you are. I think this is a perfect pairing to my ultimate question of, what I want out of my life. I have to let go of my belittling self hatred monologue and start changing how I treat myself. I am worthy and at this stage of life. I am not my thinnest, I am not my happiest, I am not my proudest, but that is okay and I still deserve love, happiness, and self acceptance.
This move may have not turned out the way I planned, but I decide how my life turns out.