Relapse

I have been hiding because I relapsed with my binge eating. I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I feel like I have no control. I have binged for a solid month. I don’t even want to hop on a scale to see the damage I have been doing to my body.

Binge Eating Disorder will be apart of my life forever. Because I never fully got the help I needed to defeat this disorder, I have been trying to do this on my own. I have told previous therapists exactly what happens and they didn’t know exactly what to say.

If you have ever been in my shoes, BED usually goes like this. I get a feeling or an urge to binge from some sort of trigger. As of right now, I am not quite sure what the triggers are. The next moments are unclear because I am conscious when I get into my car, but from then on out, I blackout. I wake up back in my apartment or in my car with food wrappers sprawled all over the table or in my passenger seat. I look at the receipt and realized I spent close to $20.00 on fast food/junk food. Then I feel guilt, shame, and depression. Those feelings make me want to eat more, but after a binge I’m usually stuffed to the brim.

I know I have ballooned in size because wearing my jeans is a struggle. I feel constricted in them. When I sit down in them it’s a struggle to get out of the seat or put on shoes. I have pretty much switched to wearing leggings so I can get more range of motion. Putting on any kind of pants is a struggle because I can’t lift my legs high anymore. Walking short distances makes me out of breath and I feel completely out of shape.

I have to fix this and change. I can’t continue this or else I’ll have bigger problems to deal with down the road. I have made an appointment with a nutritionist, a therapist who specializes in bipolar, depression, and eating disorders, and my challenge with The Camp Transformation Center starts July 24th.

I wish my support system would pick up the phone when I called them, but they have lives too. It’s times like now where I feel really alone because when I really need the help from my support system, they aren’t there. I have to be there for myself and right now I’m letting myself down. Getting help is the first step out of this. Now I just need to show up and put in the work. Wish me luck.

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