I saw the dietitian, the therapist, went to the nutrition seminar for The Camp Transformation Center, and the start date to the challenge came and went. I am doing the things I need to do to get help, but I haven’t committed to the help. I didn’t go to The Camp in the mornings to work out. I made excuses and officially changed my start date and challenge to the September challenge. This gives me time to adjust my schedule to waking up early every day. I need to get up every morning and go workout at the gym I’m currently paying for but not using.
I saw Dr. Kellam for the second time this week. She and I made a plan for the rest of the night, knowing that after 8pm is my vulnerable time where I binge. But instead of following the plan, I went rouge and did what I normally do. I didn’t do anything we talked about. I don’t know if I am trying to sabotage myself, but there is something going on in my brain that makes me feel like I am trying to ruin any chances of change.
After seeing the dietician three weeks ago, I started to follow her meal plan for the first couple of days. Then I left for a mini vacation back home. I followed the plan loosely but made amazing choices while I was gone. Then I came back to Texas and started making horrible choices again. I don’t know what it is with Texas. It’s like I will only make terrible choices in this state.
I am going to the services that I need to change. Now comes the hard part; I need to actually put in the effort to change. I need to follow directions, do what I’m told, follow through, and cut the excuses. If I really want to change, I need to do what the professionals are telling me to do. I honestly have no idea why I am not putting in the work. I could chalk it up to laziness, but my therapist said that laziness is just another definition of depressed.
The more I think about it, the more I know I am depressed. I was my happiest that I have been in the longest time when I was back home visiting my family and lifelong friends. I need to make friends, I need to get out of my house, I need to do creative things, I need to dance, I need to change.
Getting help is hard. I want to change. I know what I need to do to change, but putting in the effort makes me overwhelmed and it’s a little stressful. Maybe that is why I’m sabotaging myself. I’m getting overwhelmed by knowing I have a long ways to go to reach my goals. I need to focus on this feeling and really dig deep into this fear and sense of uneasiness.